Fashion trends I don't understand

I am apologizing ahead of time because this post is getting a "moderate" rating on the sucky scale tonight. But I hope you bear with me.

Lately, I've been in a spot where all those "moments" when I need something, like a cocktail dress or cute wedding outfit are actually happening and I look in my closet and see no options. Or if I do, they all need altering (the downside to working out) and won't be ready in time to said event. Which is why a dress for a wedding is en route to me now and I will be recreationally shopping for a cocktail dress this weekend. UGH.

And even looking ahead to spring, I'm back to hating everything in my closet because many of the items are finally old enough where they need to be donated. Thus, I am in the midst of heavy spring clothing shopping and to add to my frustration, I'm not loving some of the trends that I'm seeing.

I am not a fashionista but I am puzzled because several of them do not work for my body type: petite, curvy, full chest, etc.

I'm not knocking any of these trends, but I'm just not sure who buys them. Let's take a look at a few examples:

Thin, black socks with open-toed, strappy shoes? Would you wear that? Without tights and a skirt? Just because it's Burberry doesn't make it right

Popped collar? How have I missed the announcement on this? I do pop a jacket collar but that's it. Are you pro- or anti-popped collar? I hope I don't look like this big of a d-bag when I pop it

I love comfy pants in summer, but these are linen (not practical) and something about the front makes me fear what my camel toe could look like. Also, pants would make my "spare tire" look like two are hidden in there

This just looks unflattering. Saggy boobs? Do I need to buy a dress to make mine look saggier?

I don't hate maxi-dresses but I don't want a dress that will associate me with pregnant celebs...or Katie Holmes

Skirts/dresses are my favorite part of summer, but not when fabric is slapped together for a "sack" look. Even with a belt, it'll look like a mumu

I channel my inner Pam Beesly with cardigans, but the longer ones are not "spare tire" friendly and will pill on the butt. I don't need a pilly butt thank you

Now I'm going to focus on a look I'm very excited about for next weekend. God willing, I will be wearing the following items to an evening wedding. And dare I say, I might look a little hot.

My only fear: this dress has a side zipper, which makes me fear getting it stuck on my broad shoulders and being the "fat girl in a size zip dress." Maybe I'm just paranoid.

So while my mind is spinning with crazy scenarios, let me know if I'm way off base with my judgements here or if you have any "red flags" you want to add about clothing.

What is everyone else up to this weekend? 

My fun plans include a day o'fun with my parents, which means free lunch, lots of attention and at least one puppy kicking incident. Can-not wait. I must brush up on my Vanity Fair reading so I have worldly knowledge to contribute to conversation...and so my parents think I don't watch as much TV as I do :)