Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Scenes from a bar

I'm not a sociologist. In fact, I almost failed that class in college, but I report on what I see and what I saw lately was a classic male mating ritual around women at the bar.

Let me begin by saying that getting a table at a rooftop bar on a nice summer day, even for a group of girls, requires military-like precision. You do the awkward walk around, checking out if people are just chatting or snooping to see if they're signing the bill. You stare at strangers, giving them the "eye" that says "boy it would nice if you left so I could sit down and enjoy my multiple beers in peace."

Then, when someone finally does give up a table, it's a mad dash to secure it. This can happen with one member from the group breaking from the pack to claim the table and screaming "TABLE!" out loud and rushing for it, letting a friend hold their drink. Or depending on your alcohol consumption, throwing yourself on the table while placing a licked finger on it and saying, "dibs, dibs, I called dibs," rather loudly. It happens.

So now that you're enjoying the table, at some point in the evening some guys will try to take it because the real estate value of that table has increased twofold. At this time, more drunk women are up on the roof so men need to have that table in order to increase the change that women will flock to them. Yes, it happens. And as available table and counter space for pitchers declines, men with tables become more attractive. It's easy math.

And while enjoying a rooftop bar table with friends recently, two men approached our table and just sat down. I must have blacked out when I "invited them" to join us. Anyhow, while making little conversation, the alpha male cleaned his glasses, combed down his mustache hair (and no I don't want a mustache ride) and proudly showed off his shirt that said, "Middle School, Class of 2003."

Are you f*cing kidding me. You wear THAT out to a bar. Where there are women. THAT shirt, you had NOTHING else in your closet that wasn't as pedophile creepy? Guess not. When I saw that, one thought enters my head, "To Catch A Predator." He looked like one too.

He proceeded to let his wingman buddy sit there and stare at us, while the alpha finally entered into a friendly dialogue.

"I can tell [said to me] that you're a cool chick."

"F*ck yes I am! I'm the coolest chick you're going to meet, who isn't on pay-for sites online [am referring to adult material, Match.com does NOT apply]."

"I'd like to shake your hand."

And he gave a weak handshake. P*ssy. Not even a cheap offer to kiss it? Weak.

His friend finally entered the conversation, getting up the courage to talk to us and said, "well we have a pitcher of beer coming."

Free beer? I'm listening.

"I like guys who are givers," I said as a joke.

Now the wingman REALLY gets interested in the conversation, obviously misreading what I was saying.

"I like women who are givers."

Grossed out and getting the odd look from my friend, I realized we would have to sacrifice the table because a) I was not in the mood for banter and b) I needed to stop drinking beer and go get some food. So with a snort, I picked up my purse, looked the guy right in the eye and said....

"I bet you do and I'm sure the female givers you know take personal checks too."

Thank you and goodnight!!!

What have you seen guys do at bars that makes you sick? Too much attention to Golden Tee? Or what have you had happen to you at bars that drives you insane, from girls or guys?

Fortunately, I don't think this will be happening on my evening out with JohnBoy tomorrow. Very nervous. But it will be fine :)

32 comments:

Rachel said...

My experience that Friday night of the 20sb meetup was an eye opener. When I got home I grabbed onto Dan and told him that if he ever left & I had to deal with those.....apes....I would kill him. By 10 the next morning I had my back-up husbands figured out so that I wouldn't have to deal with that EVER.

LovelyAnomaly said...

Gaaah. Boys are weird. Does that sort of stuff EVER work on girls? If so, I want to meet these girls and give 'em a good shaking to hopefully snap them out of it.

StartingOver@28 said...

I'm impressed. Sadly, I only think of comebacks that witty post event.

Mandy said...

I hate creepy guys at bars like that. There is a bar that I sometimes frequent that has three or four fugly old (and by old I mean late 50's, early 60's) men who remind me of pedophiles from Catch a Predator. They use cheesy pick up lines and offers of free beer to get 18 year olds to pay attention to them. And yeah, it makes me sick to my stomach.

ChicagoSane said...

This is why I don't pick up women at a bar. There is NO purpose when one or both parties are drunk.

On the ULTRA-RARE occasion I see a cute gal who does't have super-uggo drunk face, the most I will do is approach her IF she's looked my way (once is fine, twice way better), say hi, and get her number. That's it.

The Chicago bloggers who have hung out with me know that I act completely sober when I am drunk. Few can even tell. Yet in my case it is the woman who puts her foot in her mouth when she's drunk, dispelling any of the magic and making ME run for the door. Or the fire exit. Or a close window.

Jenn said...

You make me proud. I heart you!

Andrea said...

OMG I love this! Way to stick up for yourself and not give in to the free beer! That guy sounds like a tool.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

haha. this post makes me laugh cause i have been in this type of situation all too many times.

the "TABLE" situation i also know all too well. i need a table, it's just how i operate.

Maki said...

JohnBoy? Oh my, I'm doing the ittle "I'm excited for you!" dance - Have fun tomorrow :)

P.S. About the alpha man - sooo weak and irritating. When you meet creeps like that, you think of the guy you like a lot and make you want to call him ASAP. When I have a girl's night out, I'm glad JT is my husband:)

L.C.T. said...

Ooooh nicely done!

RecoveringActor said...

ew!!! i give you mad props for not saying "ew gross!' and running away screaming. although... then your reaction may have matched his shirt..

Tonya said...

Right on!!! Some men are so disgusting! And they usually think they are hot!

Ray said...

You're freaking hilarious. Love it!

MonkeyBusiness said...

Good line!

Oh man, I used to hate guys like that.... and was always too nice to them. But then somewhere along the line I decided that I was doing no one a favor by being nice so just started mocking them mercilessly when confronted with those situations. Life is way more fun now. It also helps that I hang out with Hubs and his band of friends so guys tend to back off more easily when given the warning.

My favorite ever, was some guy walked up to my girlfriends and I at a bar, and was being obnoxiou, then said "Hey can I buy you guys drinks?" I responded with "OK, but we're not going to talk to you afterwards." My friends cracked up laughing, he bought the drinks, slapped us a high five and took off. It was awesome.

Kara said...

I have worked in several bars and trust me the interaction from men, even when you are clearly sober, is not much better. To this day my friends still laugh about the night that some slobbering almost passed out on the bar, guy said to me "Oh baby you've got the thickness." To which my reaction was, "ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT!" To which his reaction was "No baby, I want to be with you." Right before passing out and getting kicked out.

THE THICKNESS? Seriously? That's your pick up line? I think it's safe to say you don't see much action.

Jenn said...

i love that you used that line - how brave are you??? :)

nory said...

One of my favorite things is coming up with witty one-liners and actually saying them. Kudos to you!

I'm usually the one the wingman approaches which probably doesn't bode well for me, but the last time it happened the dude was 6 foot 7 and kept asking if I was impressed by his height before calling his friend over to chat up my friend. Guys are just weird.

And I loathe golden tee.

Melissa said...

Great blog! I love close to Chicago as well. :)

Ali said...

This cracked me up, probably because it's SO true.

Lacey Bean said...

You totally listed two things that I loathe! Weak handshakes - shake my goddamn hand!! You're not going to break it!! And the men who stalk tables full of women at bars. Once in college a group of us were sitting at some table, and there was literally a circle of men, no wait, BOYS, standing around us waiting to get a word in/cop a feel whatever. Sheesh! Give a girl some space!

Katelin said...

haha way to tell him! some guys are just so lame. i can't believe he wore that shirt, that's just creepy.

Rebekah said...

You know I love you, but I just can't let you call Golden Tee a sign of a bad guy. I just can't. It keeps Eddie sane. Please GAWD may Golden Tee live forever so he has a way to unwind after work.

And, if you play enough levels, your golfer acquires some REALLY fun outfits. Eddie's has an astronaut helmet and a chicken costume.

SarahBeth said...

Oh no, this is horrible. Guys on the prowl can be such tools. You should have waited for the pitcher of beer to come, "accidentally" dumped it over, and THEN left. ;-)

FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com said...

Maybe it was a ploy to get the table?

Just saying. It worked.

ceecee said...

Noooooooo you sacrificed the table?! Dammit. I know exactly what you mean about these busy bars with no available tables...it's quite frustrating, but if you have friends that believe in teamwork, one of you will find a table.

Back in the day, when I was cool and single, I would always tell my best friend that tonight, my name will be Gertrude and her name will be Urszula. Secondly, I always spent my nights at bars with a dance floor and DJ. I would dance with so many guys, and it was awesome because we didn't converse. Sorry, but when I go dancing, I go to dance and not chit-chat. Afterwards, I'd leave them there. HA! Yeah, cool I sure was...

Auburn Kat said...

Seriously, what are up with all of these awful men? They are everywhere!!!

Maggie said...

OMG Jess, you are my new idol. very nicely done!

Miss Grace said...

Well played!

Megan Ashley said...

ah ha ha ha! classic! i love bars, so many crazy weird people. nice comeback too!

Allison M. said...

do guys still not get it? don't wear your little brother's t-shirt out to the bar.

EP said...

Wow. Seriously? I cannot believe he said that! Way to think on your feet.

While I like a good laugh or two watching guys (and gals) at the bar making fools of themselves, it's been a while since I wanted to join in on the crazy stuff they do.

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