Monday, May 4, 2009

Why I will never be a beauty queen

The Miss USA pageant was a few weeks ago and looking at the women, so statuesque and curled, sprayed and tweezed within an inch of their life (while I sat on the couch in glasses, face mask and retainer in), I realized, I will never be a beauty queen.

And I am okay with that.

It's looking beyond the scary pageant mom and coach, but from my peek at pageant life through reality TV and movies, those women are kra-zee!

Here is what makes me non-beauty queen potential:
  • I am not eloquent. I have a tendency to "um" and "ah" and "errrrr" my way through answers to questions
  • I don't like to smile all the time
  • I will not put Vaseline on my teeth
  • I don't prance around in a swimsuit. But I will prance around in an evening dress willingly
  • I have no talent. I don't play an instrument, dance, sing or work with animals, but I can do stand up comedy and accessorize
  • I can't cry on command if I win. I could try, but no promises
And if asked my feelings on world peace, I might stumble over my answer.

Yes, I do want world peace, but I'd also like our economy to stabilize, my 401k to get it's act together and cancer to be cured. Then we'll get to world peace.

That is my declaration tonight, that I am not beauty queen material, but I do love playing dress up. I guess I'm more Miss Congeniality than the MTV pageant reality shows.

Now, I don't mean any offense to those who were in pageants or are fans of them. I'm merely saying I'm not that kind of girl.

So I guess the question for tonight is, are you "beauty queen" material? And if not, what kind of beauty queen would you be? Me, I'd probably be the smart a** one who giggles and acts immature. It happens.

31 comments:

Tall Brunette said...

I would be the one that laughs at fart jokes, and gets caught on camera picking her wedgie.

Mandy said...

I would be the one making snarky comments or taunting the insanely think contestants with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Or stealthily going around unplugging curling irons and hot rollers.

Mandy said...

Yeah that should read *thin contestants..

Ray said...

sooo not beauty queen material. I am way too much of a sarcastic asshole and I drink far too much beer! ;) But I CAN play the flute...so I have that going for me!

...love Maegan said...

lol ...no pageants ever! ...is it wrong to think they are much like sorority girls with mindless beliefs?

Heidi Renée said...

I want to be in the pageant you guys are in. Now THAT would be a pageant.

Shannalee said...

I am the girl who wishes she were a beauty queen (if she's totally honest, at least). And when I watch those shoes---it's not often---I'm the one who wants to go work out or go shopping or get a haircut or something to fit that image. It's sad. I'm working on it.

Had to laugh out loud at the image of you, sporting glasses/retainer/mask, only because that is EXACTLY how I looked last night and minus the mask every other night. Oh, the glamor.

Shannalee said...

And when I said, "watch those shoes," I meant watch those SHOWS. Although, their shoes are usually pretty impressive. I could never walk that much in heels.

LBluca77 said...

I will never be a beauty queen and I really have no desire to be. If they really want world peace they don't need to be in a beauty pageant to try and acheive it. They need to stick with asking them questions like what is your favorite color? or Do you like kittens?

Kyla Roma said...

Um....I might be okay in a bloggers pagent? Or maybe in a county level tweet off? =)

Seriously, I get that there are trade offs but I sure hope that anyone who puts Vaseline on their teeth is getting a lot out of their on stage time lol

Allie said...

I saw a little girl (maybe 8 years old) in a sparkly dress, high heels, makeup, etc. walking down the street the other day - it HAD to be for a pageant...it all just seems a bit odd.

Hi! I'm Erin said...

Is it bad to say that I've actually put Vaseline on my teeth? You try smiling while doing the splits and jumps in unison with 13 other girls. Okay, it wasn't actually Vaseline. It was Carmex. No, that doesn't make it any less gross.

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Anonymous said...

why judge? seriously..

Pam said...

I would be the beauty queen that gets so nervous on stage that I start laughing uncontrollably. When I then realize that I'm laughing at a very inappropriate time, I will burst into very awkward and very embarrassed tears.

Yes, this happened to me not once, but twice while trying to give speeches in grade school. Scarred me for life.

I walked by Phoebe's today...it was a huge mess inside. Doesn't even look open yet. Bobtail sounds good though (as always). My weekend is crammed, but maybe sometime soon?

Maki said...

Aw definitely not!! LOL Have I dreamt about it? Oh yes, but I had to face the reality. I'm short. I'm like you, I would have to put "umm" "well.." "ah...." in between every sentenses...

BTW, I just tagged you!!!

FB @ FabulouslyBroke.com said...

They work really hard to maintain that composure, those beauty queens!

I just don't have that kind of glib diplomacy and tact not to tell them what I really think

"Seriously? World peace.. AGAIN? Can we talk about something I can actually change? Or promote? Like financial literacy?"

Lil' Woman said...

I don't have the grace or anything like that to be a beauty queen...I'd fall or stutter! : )

Jenn said...

I know for a fact that I would break a heel or trip over my dress. I'd probably answer the question wrong, too. Is it frowned upon to turn bright red and mumble curse words?

SoMi's Nilsa said...

First, did you notice that comment worthy of nothing more than SPAM? You might want to delete it. Lots of bad links there.

More importantly, I'd NEVER be a beauty queen. I never could be one based on my looks. But, even if I was a looker, I still wouldn't do it because I couldn't put up with the nonsense of the other contestants. Not a chance. I'd wind up punching someone and I'm not sure that's becoming of a queen. Plus, the only queens I want to hang out with are the gay queens. I think they're much more fun.

Little Miss Obsessive said...

My top two reasons I'll never be a beauty queen are:

1) I am seriously the opposite of eloquent. I would get nervous and end up sounding like a babbling idiot.

2) I don't wear high heels with my bathing suits

So, I'm right there with ya!

Angela Noelle said...

I am SO not beauty queen material, however, I have always had a secret yen to be a Mardi Gras crewe queen ;) Way less pressure and way more drinking involved!

Katelin said...

i could so not be a beauty queen, too many naked pictures floating around the internet, haha. i kid, i kid. but no really, i couldn't do it anyways. :)

Jenn said...

Wow - am I really the only one that has actually competed in pageants??? I completely understand the stereo-types associated with "pageants girls" but I'm hopeful that I don't fit many of them. I guess I just want everyone to know that not everyone that competes in pageants is a blonde air-head with nothing better to do :-) It actually did take a lot of work to prepare for/compete in a large pageant and frankly, the scholarships I won helped me to be able to get my education!

That being said, I would certainly not be cut out to compete in one today and I'm certainly not the cute, eloquent person I once was..but I'm ok with that (most of the time)!

golublog said...

I dont think you have to be eloquent to be a beauty queen as many have already proven.

Andhari said...

I'm confused who should I be? Maybe the party animal one that ends up making scandals? I'm kidding :p

Andhari said...

I'm confused who should I be? Maybe the party animal one that ends up making scandals? I'm kidding :p

Cheryl said...

I would LOVE it if some beauty queen did a stand-up routine for the talent portion! Funny = beautiful.

EP said...

Yeah, I wouldn't be much of a beauty queen, either. I do have a fun time laughing at the things they do/say (even though I know I would be WAY less eloquent if I were in their shoes) whenever I'm assigned to shoot a pageant. (You have NO idea how many of these things we have around these parts.)

NicNaxPattyWax said...

hello there. (in British announcer voice).. i happened to stumble across your blog. here's the thang.. and yes- i just said thang. when i was younger, i never thought i would've competed in pageants. what most people don't realize is that there two different pageant systems: America and USA. I competed in the Miss IL Teen USA Pageant and only placed 2nd runner-up. I am currently attending Indiana University but have decided to the Miss IL USA Pageant (my persistence is really inspiring right?). We do not have to perform any talent (it would take way too long with 80 women), and it is not about "world peace." I consider myself quite the comedian as well. it's hard to tell over the internet. obvi. but the "beauty & grace" part only goes so far. My best friend Stacie currently holds the Miss IL Teen USA 2009 title. If i wouldn't have competed in the pageants, I never would've met my 2 best friends, her and Madison. We are the wedgie-picking, snort while we are laughing, funny girls who actually named ourselves "The World Peace Girls" and made fun of how pageants are portrayed like that because that is what everyone thinks. It is not like that at all. It is so hard to find real, genuine people, but it just goes to show you that ummm we are real people too. "I'm a real boy." I frequently bust out the pencil sharpener move and the shopping cart while driving and listening to old school M.J. (R.I.P. you may have molested children, but you came out with some damn good music). Our humor all derives from my favorite show ever- The Office. My dad actually looks like Stevey C.. owns an office.. it's almost creepy. All in all, the USA pageant system can not only advance your career, but you can use your talents to help people. isn't that what being a good person is all about? I will be the next Megyn Kelly. Now how does that make you feel? haha. peace out baby trouts.

xoxo,
blogging pageant girl (not gossip girl)

NICKI!

it's me again... said...

yes. i did just write a short novel. you probably don't care, but I am bored. we do get bored here and there.. us pageant freaks.

ciao.