Monday, June 22, 2009

Online dating is WORK

Holy cow, this online dating thing is a serious time commitment.

On a daily basis you have to weed through possible matches, send winks, write e-mails, respond to e-mails and try to be witty, charming and just be yourself without getting fussy at the same time. This could be a full-time job!

Fortunately, since my initial Match.com phone call fail last month, I have had a bit more luck. I met a guy for coffee before my vacations, which was dubbed an official "date" by several blogger and IRL friends, and it went well. Apparently I made quite an impression too because he e-mailed me the next morning and asked to see me again. Wow. That NEVER happens. So I'll give it another shot. The date went well, not a huge spark but I'll try again and not rush to judgment.

And since date boy (who I will call Dayton) entered the picture, two more guys have too. So far that's just been friendly e-mails but one guy, JohnBoy, sounds really interesting so I'm anxious to meet him in person.

The one issue that has come up is that these guys are not the most "aggressive." For example, I was supposed to go out with a guy, Sam, this past weekend. He asked me out and then wanted me to pick the date, time and place. So that I didn't sound controlling, I got together some recommendations and asked for his thoughts, since, well he would be joining me. He was noncommittal on each and then proceeded to say that I should just take the reigns on this and tell him when to show up. Um. Yeah, that's not how that works. What is the problem with even just weighing in on the place? Bueller? Anyone?

And because we kept going back/forth, it didn't work out to get together but I'll try again, making sure this is more of a team effort. I'm a planner at work, that doesn't mean I want to be the planner at home all the time too.

Anyhow, I'm just saying, doing this online dating stuff takes a ton of time. Talking on the phone, deciding where to go to dinner, getting to know one another, awkward hug/kiss at the end and then setting up a plan to see each other again. Oy.

I need to be better at multi-tasking. And putting myself first because looking at my schedule, I don't have a lot of time to meet with these guys for the next week or two. I really need to work on this cloning bit.

Do you find that dating can be a lot of work too? Or do you like dating to be a little more "old fashioned" and have the guy plan the dates?

Personally, if he asks me out, I think he should take the lead in planning. But that's just me. Apparently I need to "man up" and be more aggressive myself.

79 comments:

Kyla Roma said...

Okay, if you need to man up and be more aggressive then I don't know how anyone gets anything done - you strike me as someone who knows exactly what she wants and peruses it! Wanting someone to be equally interested and invested in the dating process? I think that's totally normal.

Just have fun and make sure that by you time, you have time for you and not only seeing boys okay?

And yes, I'm officially your grandmother (in skinny jeans)

Lacey Bean said...

I had a friend who would create spreadsheets for all of us to follow along with who she was dating online. She also rated them hahaha. Good luck with Match... I always did Yahoo personals or Hot or Not.

ChicagoSane said...

Sorry, babe, but Dayton is a world class FAIL. You will lose more interest faster than I would win a bacon-eating content.

Let's look at what this doofus did wrong:

1. He EMAILED you the very next day. BORING and LAME.

2. You didn't feel a spark. If a guy is going to win a gal over, that spark has to be felt on the first date, even if just for coffee.

3. He asked to see you again. A real man never just throws the idea out there for a future date. No, he gives her a few days to consider if she had fun or not, if she thinks about him or not, and then he calls her and gives her a actually night he has in mind.

I feel bad for women, especially Chicago women. The guys here have NO BALLS, and are not real men. They're boying trying on their best Hollywood loser impersonation. It's horrible.

If I date a gal, I do it exactly as a man should do it. I pick the date night, and ask her out for THAT night. If it doesn't work, I'll pitch one more night. If she says no, I bail.

When we do go out, I shoulder the burden of coming out with 2 options for what we can do. They're always fun options. Women always love them.

I take the reigns, she shows me that she's interesting by actually BEING interested and interesting. Rarely does a first date lead to date #2, because so many women I've dated are just not interesting to ME.

I have yet to meet a woman who hasn't said I was interesting to her. This leads me to believe that there are not man decent guys in Chicago

Good luck with Match.com. I fear that most of those guys are just boys who don't have the balls to ask a woman out in person. Be prepared for the worst, but good luck to you!

Mandy said...

Dating is a lot of work. But these guys who can't even commit and just want to know when to show up, not worth the time. You want to have fun not just have him "just show up" for everything. Not a very good first impression.

StartingOver@28 said...

Seriously beware of the guy who just wants to show up. Sounds like he has no spine. I'm guessing he lives across the street from his parents, his mom picks out his clothes and his work is around the corner...he probably hasn't left a six block radius in 5 years. No fun.

LBluca77 said...

Dating is like a full time job. But I think both people have to be willing to do the work, that guy Sam doesn't want to have to put in the work. i don't think though it has to be the guy to take the lead, it needs to be more equal. At least for me it does.

Good luck with all these guys, it sounds like you are having fun though.

Maggie said...

I hear ya, sister. I'm in my last month of eharmony and just am not getting it. You have to jump through so many hoops and the guys seem to be making me do all the work.

Be patient. You're cute. You're fun. Something will work sooner or later. (And I like to think of it as insurance in case a real life match up doesn't happen.)

Good luck and thank you so much for letting us play along at home. :)

Bridget said...

Dating is exhausting. Online dating is worse. I have learned that if I don't feel a spark to let go. No use in talking yourself into something that isn't there, right?

Also, a guy who is too lazy as to not plan the first date should be ditched. You deserve someone who will take the initiative. :)

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

do you call this man dayton cause he went to DAYTON?!?!

Andhari said...

Online dating sounds difficult, never tried one and always intrigued but guys can be so intense there, right> Heard some stories.

wontletlifedefineme said...

Hmm well I've never tried online dating and the whole system of dating is a bit different over here so I'm not sure I'm qualified to give you advice. But in my book, if a guy sends you a message the next day that he wants to see you again it's a really positive thing, and sometimes you need to get to know each other a bit more before you feel a spark.
The guy who just wants you to decide on everything though - don't go for it. If he's not taking the initiative now he probably never will. He'll turn out to be a classic 'it's up to you' type.

Good luck with dating!

Marie said...

I've been out with a couple of guys lately who were really passive about the planning part. I find it annoying because there is a natural give and take when making a decision. I found out that one guy was non-committal because he doesn't know the city (he was only visiting! -- see blog post).

Best of luck to you. Online dating is a lot of work. I haven't had much success with it thus far but I hope that you do.

SoMi's Nilsa said...

Dating (online or otherwise) takes work. And we each operate in our own way. If the non-committal guys drive you crazy, don't give them a second chance. Because in all likelihood, the real-life guy is going to be non-committal, too. But, if you like having the reins in your hands, by all means, steer ahead!

Glad things are finally working in your favor! Yay!

Vanessa said...

I hate it when a man can't make a decision. Even if they don't decide but come back with two or three options, that's ok. They should at least participate at this stage of getting to know each other though. Huge pet peeve of mine!

rondamarie said...

dating in general is hard work, its time consuming and so very often a let down.

I like a guy to take the reins and make the plans in my relationships, so if he can't even do that to set up a date its a pretty good sign to me that he's not my type.

wekeepsaying said...

dude, if he asks you on a date, he should already have plans in place, or at least options for YOU to pick from. you don't ask someone to go out with you and then make them do all the work. it's all about the follow through!

and i love chicagosane's comment. so true, especially in today's world.

Cheryl said...

Asking for a girl's input is one thing but making her do all the work is another. What is so hard about "Coffee?" and you say "Sure" and give a few suggested places and he comes back with "Place XYZ." For reals?

Angela said...

Ok, I'm gonna go with that Sam guy just isn't that into you (sorry, I've been on the movie kick recently!). Because I think guys, if they REALLY want to meet you, will do anything they can in order for that to happen.

I'm in the same boat. I joined Match when I came home this summer and have gone on dates with two guys. There's a third, and we've been texting back-and-forth for over a month now, and he SAYS he wants to meet me, but it hasn't happened. I'm just trying not to get my hopes up or put too much energy into him because he hasn't put all that energy into meeting me.

I'd stick with the other guys who you've been talking to. That Sam guy needs to be more aggressive, like you said. I think guys need to do the work and planning initially, too.

Ali said...

I am by no means "old fashioned." I do, however, feel that the guy needs to put in the effort (maybe a bit more than we do) to keep me interested. If I sense a lack of motivation, then I'm not as into it. If that makes me maybe a tad old fashioned, then so be it.

And PS: I've done the online dating thing. It can be work! But good for you for putting yourself out there...it's a risk for sure and I think that's very brave of you. :)

TudorCity Girl said...

My gosh, I am so with you on the on-line thing. It was SO time consuming and felt like too much work for me, so I quit. (not to mention the fact I didn't meet anyone good).
I'm sticking to real life now and assume this way can be a lot of work too, but hopefully less disappointing.

I'm definitely an old-fashioned type and LOVE when the guy plans out a date. Names the bar or restaurant..That is THE best. I had given up hope that men in NYC actually still do that, until I recently met a guy I've been out with only a couple times and so far he is planning and I LOVE it for once!

So I'm right with ya - if he asks you out, he should take the lead.
GOOD LUCK!

erin said...

Dang, you offered up some choices the least Sam could've done was pick one. Honestly, I appreciate when an online date gives me the opportunity to pick the place (because I don't know them and I like being on my own turf) and I also appreciate when they're willing to come to my neighborhood, but it shouldn't ALL be you. Sam, buddy, pick the time, pick the day, have an opinion! I just got a match.com email today from a guy asking if I wanted to go for a drink on Thursday. I'm betting he'll let me pick the place. In my mind that is perfect: we both "manned up".

rini said...

I kinda OCD check sites, and okcupid is one of them. I'll read all my emails, but I don't reply all that often. (Seriously, if a guy won't take the time to spell out "you" I won't take the time to keep reading or think of responding... unless he's really hot.)

I agree that if a guy asks you out, he should have some interest in where you go... There's one thing to being indifferent and open to whatever, but if you offered suggestions, he should at least voice his opinion in some form.

I don't think the guy should have to plan the dates, but I would hope he'd have some interest in what we were doing together.

Abra said...

Hmm. I think it depends on the guy you're looking for. If you're looking for someone who wants to do everything you choose... then I guess a guy like the one who was noncommittal and wanted you to "take the reigns" would be OK. Personally, I like a guy to know what he wants, because I'm a woman who knows what SHE wants - for me, I need an equal. And that equal needs to be able to take me on a GREAT date, without my having to plan everything. Or anything.

That's personal preference though. Remember that you can be picky on those dating sites! You don't have to meet every nice/interesting guy you come across, and the second something is off (like Mr. Noncommittal - noncommittal for date options? Not a great sign), move on. There are tons of options out there, and when you're on a dating site, those many options are literally at your fingertips. Be pickier. You'll be happier in the end :)

Jenn said...

that sounds EXHAUSTING - good luck and i look forward to reading about everything :)

Heidi Renée said...

I planned exactly one date when I was dating my now-husband. It was our third date. We went to a comedy club. The tickets were free, but I paid for the food. I think a guy asking you out but not bothering to plan the date makes him look like a total puss. My husband says maybe he's trying to make you feel empowered, but I don't buy that for a second.

Underoo Elf said...

I am also using Match right now, and I keep telling people that it is like having a second job. After awhile, your head is swimming with trying to keep everyone and their details straight.

I would be kind of "meh" on someone who asked me out and told me to plan it. That just suggests laziness/ambivalence, and no one needs that!

Moonjava said...

I'm an old-fashioned gal, so if the guy asks, I really think he should plan, plus I'm like the most indecisive person you could possibly meet. :)

Good luck with the dating scene! That's next on my list of things after graduation ;) See at least I have my priorities straight.

Wonderful said...

At least you have prospects, but I agree with you- I think the guy should take charge of the first dates. I think by doing that it shows he's interested in you by putting in the effort.

ANG* said...

same question as alexa!!!

nory said...

well, hell, I'm in a relationship and I still like my boyfriend to make the plans on occasion. Shows me he cares, you know?

I had to learn to be a tad aggressive in the dating arena and while it was hard, it was worth it.

I did online dating for awhile and I know what you mean. It's work. But the end result is either a fun date, good blog fodder or a nightmare that you live to tell about. I hope for you it's fun or blog fodder =)

ceecee said...

Wow, this is definitely a different side about online dating. I've never would have though online dating would be so much work. I have a friend who is currently doing the online dating scene, but he didn't tell me the things you've just mentioned...then again, I do wonder if my friend really looks through recommendations and takes the time to call women...? If not, he's just in it to be with someone, and that doesn't take a whole lot of work.

I do wish you the best!

Suz said...

OMG online dating is a ton of work. The first week I was on match I had to make a spreadsheet to remember who was who, what their interest were, and what we had talked about last, so that I wouldn't get them mixed up! And I would love for the guy to take charge and say we are going here at this time good? Be a man!

I was lucky enough to meet a decent guy on match. We started talking in Jan, "dating" in Feb., and by April we were in a relationship. Just a note though: my second date with him was BAD...he made too many sexual jokes, had no plan for after the movie, and told me about his foot fetish. I was ready to say adios to him, but decided he could have just had a bad night and gave him a second chance. I was glad I did. He even apologized for how bad that date was and we still laugh about it today.

Good Luck in your dating adventures! It's tough!

Blaez said...

someone asks someone out on a date they should have a plan already...

not ask the other person what they'd like to do unless they are already in a relationship together.

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Do you find that dating can be a lot of work too? Or do you like dating to be a little more "old fashioned" and have the guy plan the dates?

well, of course I like the old fashioned one wherein the guy usually plans the date. I find it romantic and very sincere.

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