Am I mother-material?

Most of my non-blog friends know that I am not exactly child-friendly even though I recently admitted that I did want to have kids, contrary to popular belief. In my 100 things about me meme (where I admitted I wanted kids), I also mentioned that I hate inattentive parenting. But overall, I'm just not sure I'm mother-material.

I've been known to take candy from children, be unsympathetic when they cry and hiss at them when they're being obnoxious. I even have an old issue of the Redeye at my desk with the cover title, "No Way Baby!" And once while babysitting, a kid told me she didn't want to do chores because "she doesn't like to work," so I dragged her and her sister outside in the cool weather anyhow (with jackets on) to pick up sticks at 10 cents an hour. They earned their 40 cents that day, and I made sure to stick around to supervise and point out areas they were slacking in collecting them. 

This sounds mean, I know, but I bring this up because I found out my college roommate from Minnesota is pregnant and it was quite a shock to my system. Outside of my knitting Yoda Amanda, this is my second friend having a kid and it's a lot to take in, so couple this with my brother getting married, and I'm reaching for the paper bag. At 28, I don't so much hear the biological clock ticking, but I almost want to tap it to see if there's even one in there, or if the batteries died awhile ago.

Should I choose to have kids (which will first require a mate), it'll be a bit more difficult for me anyhow because of an ovarian cyst I had in college. I don't like to talk about it very much because it went from "well it doesn't look cancerous" to "we need to take you into surgery now." So I'm sure that experience just seeded in my head that I wouldn't want to have kids anyhow because I'm one fallopian-tube deficient.

So why don't I think I'm mother-material? That list is pretty simple: 

• I'm selfish (I really am, I like doing what I want, when I want)
• I can barely take care of myself (what I constitute as dinner would horrify some)
  
• I'm not the most patient and tolerant person (I have a short temper about things)
• I don't know how to relate to kids (why can't they watch the Colbert Report with me and understand the jokes??)

All good reasons why I would not make a good mom. But this weekend while at Yoda Amanda's birthday party, I saw her nearly 6-month-old daughter Ada and all it took was this look.....

And I couldn't wait to hold her and hug her and kiss her soft cheeks until she cried for me to stop. So maybe I'm not mother-material now, at a selfish 28, but I know I can't resist a look like the one above anytime. Maybe next year I'll be a bit more mature.

Dating "deal breakers"

My friend Sarah once told me that I have "too high of standards" with guys. Personally, I disagree.

My core standards with guys are actually pretty common (I think):

• Has a job that isn't illegal


• Has job aspirations or goals


• Is financially-stable

Are these really too high of standards? I don't think so!

But then as friends and I started talking about dating, the subject of "dating deal breakers" came up.

Dating deal breakers are basically traits or quirks of a potential mate that bother you enough that they would cause you to break off the relationship, if necessary. Much like my list above, I thought about the things that really are important to me for any guy I would date and consider marrying.

Sadly, there were several things on that list...but again some of them are traits that I would hope none of my friends would want in a spouse or boyfriend. Some of these deal breakers might be catty but here they are.

Jess' deal breakers:

• Smoking - I hate it. I'm sorry but the guy would have to quit if he really wants to date me and I would have to clean down his entire house so the smell is gone. Hate it.


• Multiple tattoos - I don't mind one or two tattoos but if we're talking about "sleeves" or something scratched on his neck or across his stomach (a la "Thug Life"), no thank you.


• Shorter than me - I am a petite woman, 5' 3" to be exact, so after much thought, I really don't think I can date someone my height or shorter. I love tall guys and honestly, if the guy is my height, he's probably underage, so I can't have him anyhow :)


• Lack of physical health - This is not meant to be catty but I work out, I'm active and I try to watch what I eat. I don't want a guy who will make me feel bad about myself for not eating organic foods, etc. but I want a guy who also takes care of himself physically. I want tickets to the gun show!


• No sense of humor - I love to laugh and I'm told I have a good sense of humor myself so someone who can make me laugh (which doesn't take much) and who enjoys laughing is important too.


• Doesn't verbally abuse me - I can't imagine someone who likes being told awful things about themself, like being fat, ugly, etc. so I don't want that either!

So that's my list and to be fair, it's included these quirks for a long time so it's not like I've been adding things on over the years, this is a standard list for me.

Maybe this is why I'm single ;) But the core standards still apply. Last thing I need is to be featured on COPS for my boyfriend selling drugs out of my apartment. That "night vision" light is also unflattering on my skin. Never a good thing.

Weekend recap: Vodka flights and more Meme-ing

I hate the humidity, I really do. My straight hair does too because it curls in a Carol Brady-way. So without further ado, here we go!

To beat the heat on Friday, friends of mine and I met up at Tavern on the Park for a few drinks – because alcohol cools you down (not really). Fortunately the bar wasn’t too packed so my friend Mike and I asked about getting a table so we could all actually engage in conversation. The host (without saying a word) just shakes his head when we ask about a table so as we’re about to settle at the bar, another hostess comes up to us and says that us our table was ready. Ah….okay! We were mistaken for another party and got a HUGE booth at the end of the bar, complete with a leather, covered table. Leather – awesome.

Once we were all assembled and caught up on Mike’s new job, my brother’s wedding and anything else of interest to all of us, Ryan proposed a bold idea…Russian Tea Time, near the Art Institute. I’m not a big fan of Russian food – at all – but fortunately we weren’t going there for eating. We were going for its famous vodka flights :) Yes, I opted to “make my own flight,” complete with three, one-ounce, ice-cold shots of Russian vodka in Horseradish, Coriander and Chocolate. And I’ll tell you, three of those shots later – you’re ready to bark at the moon, which I all but did. At $13/flight, it’s kind of pricey but damn that Horseradish vodka was good, especially when you can cleanse your vodka palate with dill pickles!

Musical Meme

Last week, Kay tagged me for a music-themed meme so you all will be subjected again to finding out more things about me :) Fortunately, this time you will spared from hearing about more embarrassing things from my past.

And away we go….

MEME Rules:

1. Put your iTunes/ music player on shuffle

2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer

3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT

After you’ve answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and then let them know they’ve been tagged to do the meme themselves!

IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?

“Hey Ya!” Outkast

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?

"Bubbly" Colbie Caillet

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?

"Everything is Everything" Lauren Hill

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?

"All Good Things (Come to an End) Nelly Furtado

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?

"Trouble" Pink

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?

"Heat of the Moment" Asia

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?

"Far Away" Nickelback

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?

"Live and Let Die" Guns N' Roses

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?

"I Am A Rock" Simon and Garfunkel

WHAT IS 2+2?

"Naughty Girl" Beyonce

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?

"Jerk it Out" Caesar's Palace

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?

"Accidentally in Love" Counting Crows

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?

"Gimme More" Britney Spears

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?

"Holiday" Green Day

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?

"Hips Don't Lie" Shakira

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?

"Where is the Love" Black Eyed Peas

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?

"Wheel in the Sky" Journey (My note: Hell's yes we're dancing to Journey - woo hoo!)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?

"It's Not Right" Whitney Houston

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?

"L.O.V.E" Ashlee Simpson

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?

"1234" Feist

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?

"Can't Stop" Ozomatli

WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS?

"Somewhere Only We Know" Keane

Okay this was an awesome iPod shuffle that I just had. Hilarious. Yes, I have Asia on my iPod and I love Journey. I have a very random taste in music.

Next victims? Rachel, Tipp, Kristen, Angie and Erin. Tag, you’re it!

So what did everyone else do this weekend?

Friday tidbits: Fun video and a note to my blosse

First off, thank you everyone for the sweet comments - minus the fat and materialistic one - to yesterday's post about 100 (un)interesting things about me.

It was great to see that I'm not alone in my freakish and girly tendencies. And I want to say a big thanks to Rachel for trying to lure my mean-intentioned commenter out in the open. You tell 'em! (Also Rebecca came up with the "blosse" term, which stands for "blog posse" - genius).

In my 100 things, I did forget to mention my paper mache rabbit/cat Bubbles and the whole "dancing on the bar" incident in college, but that's for another time. Also, at Maxie's suggestion, I will one day blog about the cat fight I got into on a double date, that is a good one.

So because it's Friday, and it's still f*cking hot in Chicago, I have to share the video treat that my cube-neighbor Laura shared with all of us at work today. Honestly, this is exactly how I feel some days (including this week) at the office. This is my first time embedding video so let's hope this works!

Happy Friday everyone! Lots of love out in the blosse-sphere.


Office Worker Goes Absolutely Insane - Watch more free videos

100 (un)interesting things about me - brace yourself

On Monday Rachel decided to play hardball and tag me for a meme where I have to list 100 things about myself. To be honest, it wasn’t as painful as I thought it would be and I came up with my 100 things pretty quick. Considering the week I've had so far, this could be a good thing. Shows the brain is still sharp.

This might be more information than you ever wanted to know about me but fortunately it’s not too much in the TMI category.

So without further ado, let’s pull the curtain back on my sick and twisted mind and see what I dug out. 

1. My porn name is Kala 122
2. In military time, I was born at 23:23
3. I am not a cat person
4. I want a dog
5. I used to have blonde hair and red hair
6. I’m jealous of my stepbrothers
7. I want to wander around Europe aimlessly
8. I slept on the floor of a train station in Germany once
9. My first kiss was at 18
10. First time I was drunk was at 19
11. I went to Graceland on Spring Break in college
12. I met Bill Clinton at a Disney Store in SF
13. I’ve thrown up in a cab – twice
14. I’ve been to a taping of Conan O’Brien, Letterman and the Daily Show in NY
15. I got to see the Olympic torch run through Times Square
16. I had my picture taken with Bucky Badger at a wedding
17. I love college football
18. I went to the U of Minn. but really wanted to go to Madison
19. I have seen the Eiffel Tower
20. I made out with a guy once after drinking a bottle of wine and forgot his name
21. I’ve been carried home drunk my girlfriends twice
22. I cannot play fooseball
23. I love playing tennis
24. My first real boyfriend was in college
25. I’ve only been in love once
26. My parents named me after I was delivered and they “looked at me”
27. My middle name is Mary, so is my mom’s
28. I’m horribly insecure
29. I wore glasses until my senior year of high school
30. I was in forensics in high school
31. I never went to prom
32. I had braces for 4 years
33. I decided to lose weight after waking up drunk on my bathroom floor two years ago
34. I tried to “smoke a bowl” a few times, unsuccessfully
35. I met my first boyfriend at a debate event
36. The first compliment I ever got was “you’re the most intelligent woman I know”
37. I worry that if something happens to my dad, I’ll be alone
38. I’m a homebody
39. I want to get married
40. I want to have kids (contrary to popular belief)
41. I struggle with depression on and off
42. I love television
43. I’m cheap
44. I fear ending up poor
45. I love purses
46. I used to look like a boy (before the boobs came in)
47. I like naked time
48. I tried internet dating but didn’t get any “bites”
49. I dated a guy who “felt up” my house
50. I dated another guy who worked with my dad (oops)
51. I’ve made out with my girlfriends for money
52. I tried to eat a guy’s Birkenstock once
53. I stayed up until 6 a.m. to take the Madrid Metro back to my hotel
54. I speak German and French
55. I love to laugh
56. I pierced my ears four times, thinking it would prove I'm a "rebel"
57. I wish I would have met my late grandmothers
58. I used to play clarinet and violin
59. I was on the TODAY show
60. I got in a catfight once on a double date
61. I’ve been in a fist fight
62. I love going to the movies
63. I eat coffee cake in the dark
64. I used to wear baggy clothes because I was embarrassed by my body
65. I work out 3-4 days a week and I’m still not totally happy with my body
66. I love to shop
67. I want to run the Chicago marathon one day
68. I don’t know if I believe in true love
69. I’ve told several friends they’re making a mistake by dating certain guys
70. I watched my friend get beaten by her boyfriend
71. I used to wear L.A. Gear shoes
72. The first movie I saw was E.T.
73. The first concert I went to was Bon Jovi
74. I have bent toes
75. I love when someone mentions me on their blog (unless it’s negative)
76. I crave acceptance by my peers
77. I might actually be “dead inside”
78. I hate inattentive parenting
79. I hate being too hot in the summer
80. I have bad circulation in my feet and hands
81. I didn’t have hair until I was 2 years old
82. My hair was white/blonde when I was a baby
83. My first car was a Plymouth Lazer
84. I loved my Honda Civic
85. I love driving
86. I hate flying
87. Everyone calls me Jess
88. As a kid, I fell off my sled and took off all the skin on one side of my face
89. I read a lot of magazines, and have a lot delivered to my house
90. I get a nervous eye tick when I’m stressed out
91. I have had a root canal (it sucks)
92. I weight train to work out my stress/anger
93. I have anger management issues
94. I wanted to be a doctor and a dancer on Solid Gold
95. I have OCD, mildly
96. I’m anal retentive and a perfectionist
97. I want my blog to grow and grow and grow
98. I like to iron clothes
99. I compulsively check my purse for my house keys
100. I like to have show fashion shows in my apartment 

Ta da!! I can't believe I did it, and I had to cut things from the list. Scary. I hope someone finds this amusing at least.

I haven't decided who will suffer this fate next, but trust, me I'll find you.

Damn it's hot in Chicago.

When parents should(not) call their kids at work

My job isn't always high-stress but when it is, that is the exact moment that my parents call me at my desk to chit-chat. Believe it or not, I try to be polite when I tell them that I can't talk but somehow when I actually say that, it never seems to come out as nice as it sounded in my head.

I feel so bad about this too because I love my dad and I love it when he calls just to hear my voice, but he always (unknowingly) calls at the wrong time. For example, he calls when I'm neck-deep in billing worksheets or I have a serious deadline due to my VP or someone is yelling at me in the background. He'll innocently call on his lunch break to ask how my day is and what I did the previous evening. But because of his ill-timing, I end up barking into the phone, "dad I can't talk right now, can you just e-mail me or call me later?" And it's then that he sighs and says, "okay sweetheart," but I can tell he was just looking to catch up. It kills me every time this happens, like it did today.

I asked a few women in my office about this and they all groaned and agreed that they get calls like this to from their moms or dads. A few women in my office have even told their parents that they don't have a phone at work to avoid them calling at an inopportune time.

"You shouldn't give our your work number to family...ever," one woman said to me, but I think it's okay to share it, as long as both sides have an understanding of when to use it.

Examples of when it's okay to call your child at work:

• You've been in a serious accident and/or are going to the hospital


• Someone we know has died or another family member was in a serious accident


• You're coming into town unexpectedly and I'm getting a free dinner and ride home from work


• You've put money in my bank account because you love me


• You won the lottery and are buying me a condo


• The house has burned down

These are all acceptable situations to call me at my desk.

My dad, god love him, is also guilty of leaving a 5-minute voicemail message in the mornings on his way to work. This message is left on my work phone, which I check when I get in. But no matter how many times I've told him that I don't have time to listen to a 5-minute message and that I delete it after minute 1.5, he still leaves it. A couple of times I've gotten busted for not listening to the entire thing because he'll ask me questions later in the message (i.e. dinner locations when I come home for a visit) and I obviously don't respond (because I didn't hear them). When he mentions it later to me, I end up fibbing and saying the message cut out.

So am I an awful child? Maybe/maybe not. But I'd like to think that on the whole, my positive daughter traits outweigh the negatives.

Follow up from yesterday's "fashion flaw" post

Thanks everyone for the great feedback to yesterday's post, I'm so glad that I'm not alone in this thinking. Phew. I promise that if I bump into any of you on the street and you happen to commit any of those flaws that I won't judge you at all.

I do have to say though, I really hate the ill-fitting sandals thing though. I have big feet so I can't judge others, but seriously, shoes that fit are a great thing. No toes hanging over or heels half-off the shoe. Ick. I am an offender at not keeping up on a pedicure though so even I'm not exempt. I need to take my own advice.

Two parter: Letter to my fair skin and summer self-esteem

A letter to my fair skin:

Dear Jess' skin -

Hi, how are you? You've been looking pretty good lately, clear and soft from this new body lotion I know you were trying. Keep it up!

Unfortunately, I'm writing today because you're killing my soul. I know, that might have been harsh but seriously, you are. It's summer and Sunday you really dropped the ball when I went for my walk and was enjoying my Bobtail outside with Chicago magazine. I was only out for like, two hours at the most, and you burn like a little b*tch? What's up with that?

Now I know you're upset that I only put the sunscreen on my face, but you know how sensitive that skin is and how I feel about a sunburned face so really that shouldn't be a surprise. If you decided to let my shoulders and back-of-the-neck get burned to get back at me, that's not cool.

I know you don't like it when dad and just about everyone else teases you about being so pale and not enjoying tanning, but we need to stick together on this. So if you were retaliating, I want you to know that you caught my attention and made me mad. I'm listening to you so let's schedule a time to talk about how we're going to get through the rest of the season because the weather appears to be staying nice.

Have your people call my people for lunch.

H&K, Me

Summer self-esteem

As you might have gathered from the above post, the weather was really nice here this weekend and thus, I got sunburned because I'm so fair skinned. Seriously, the sun hates me.

But that's not what I want to focus on, now that it's nice out, I need to address a serious issue in the city and my neighborhood - summer self-esteem. This is a big issue when the weather gets nice here because everyone is out and not in the most appropriate clothing for public.  Whatever you wear at home is totally fine, especially if you live alone because you don't have to worry about anyone else seeing you. I get it, it's hot, you need to cool off, no biggie. 

Self-esteem is a great thing but sometimes you need to rein it in a bit because it's just a bit too out of control. I amend this rule come August when it's so ungodly hot that you do whatever you have to do to stay cool. So judgement will lapse then.

But when you're in public, there are a few things to keep in mind for your fellow (wo)man on the sidewalk.

Below is a list of common summer fashion offenses:

• Badly fitting sandals - hint: if your heel is hanging off the back of the shoe, it doesn't fit
• Inappropriate cleavage - I know it's fun and here to stay, but don't let it all "hang out." Trust me, I'll try to throw food in there
• Too much bra-exposure - this goes back to the cleavage point, I know you wear a bra, you don't have to prove it or show it to me. I'm not that kind of girl
• Lack of bra - the flip side to the above. I know it's warm but I don't need to see you flopping around like a fish
• CWI's - They shouldn't be showing in summer or any other season. Tape 'em down or make sure your bra has a good lining
• Smoldering sausage - form-fitting clothes are okay, especially for curvy girls in summer (because flouncy tops suck) but you shouldn't be muffin-topping out of that outfit. It just might not fit anymore, it's sad but you have to let it go
• Short-shorts and bra tops - This infraction comes in if you're not a) bone-thin or b) size 0. Sometimes you just can't wear certain styles, it's not your fault. Blame your parents and their genes. And yes, people are staring at you

So those are some summer fashion-infractions. If I'm missing anything, please let me know so I can add it to the list with proper attribution.