Anyhow, on to the learnings!
- Even with four layers of clothes on, it's amazing how you fast you can get a chill
- Hearing a kid scream "we're all gonna die!" on the train home, is not comforting
- Try to be subtle when holding your breath in a cab that smells like onions
- A Bloody Mary and soft pretzel are great ways to start your Saturday
- Think before saying out loud, "I'm tired of taking my clothes off." People won't know that you mean you're tired of taking your clothes off to try on other clothes at the store
- If Goodwill breaks your donation while dropping it off, it's totally fine to jump in the car and speed off before they return to deny it
- Chanel and Louis Vuitton are not appropriate gameday accessories. My rule: don't wear anything you don't mind spilling beer on
- When your parents ask what liquor you want for the cooler, don't say just juice. They won't understand. Just say beer, even if you only want juice
- You know it's been a while since you've seen someone when they comment "wow your hair is brown now" and it's actually been brown for almost two years
- It's okay to break out into spontaneous dance to warm up your legs and body. But you might look silly
- Be an adult and own up to the fact that you look like a d-bag in a mock turtleneck. They're not made for everyone
At the football game, my stepmom and her friend tried to play matchmaker for me, ending in a big FAIL. Both of my stepbrothers are in long-term relationships and with my brother married, that means it leaves little spinster me the last one solo.
Before the game, my stepmom and her friend, who has stadium seats near us, were talking about kids, and her friend asked if I was single. When I said yes, she smiled and told me I had to meet her 38-year-old son, who is also single and has never been married. I laughed and said okay (I mean, why not?) and my stepmom was just beyond excited at the prospect of a love connection.
But the woman sharing a pre-game table with us interrupted this nice moment by saying, "oh my god he's 38 and unmarried? What's wrong with him? Why is he still single?" My stepmom threw this rude person her patented death rays, but the mood was killed. I agreed to go through with the "introduction" at half-time and sure enough, when this poor guy came over to the seats to see his mom, she pushed me forward and said, "Craig, meet Jessica, isn't she adorable?"
As if my cheeks weren't red enough already from the cold, my embarrassment was added on top of this. Fortunately, the matchmaking appeared to be nothing new to this guy, who rolled his eyes, shook my hand and then turned around and left. My stepmom and this woman were crushed and my dad told my stepmom in a pointed tone, "Jess is fine, don't force something on her. She's perfect on her own."
Thanks dad, I think you're right :) Back to the drawing board.